It hit me last night. I started feeling pretty depressed while I was home alone (NavyNuke being on 3rd shift). I began to wonder what toll 4 surgeries in less than 10 months would have on my overall health. Then the fears set in.....my one great fear/terror is to be (or to still be is more accurate) intubated after surgery. I've worked in hospitals, and I've seen people being tied down/restrained because....even while under sedation, they know that tube is down their throat. Then when they lessen the sedation to see if you can breathe on your own (tube still in)....just thinking about it is stressing me pretty badly. I can't tell Nuke how I'm feeling, he'd stay home every night with me until the surgery, but I refuse to be the reason he doesn't pass the class he's taking.
He's wanted that class for years, and now that he's finally in it, he can't concentrate on it fully because he's worried about me. So, to keep him from worrying more, I'm keeping it all inside me and acting like it's still no big thing...just an inconvenience. Same with my mother and sisters......if I even give them an inkling of how I feel now they'll start to panic. And of course, I'd never, ever tell TiMon and Brindel. Mommy is the rock that they know they can depend on, she'll always be there. They know I have cancer, but of course I downplayed it.
Mom (Tink), I appreciate you letting me hijack your blog a little. Even though it's public, you know I'm picturing you here while I'm telling you these things. I know I can lean on you a little for support, because you won't break down like the others would. You and Pan would just tell me funny stories while I cry and laugh on your shoulders.
I love you both! (And don't worry....Nuke doesn't read your blog....he's too busy studying and worrying. :-) )